Ok, isn't there a problem with the series featuring this topic?

And I saw this today while walking around Borders, which surprisingly mocked Georgetown (and you wonder why every single entertainment firm isn't nice to your favorite music group). Even more fun was this. I really hate to say it, but I'm curious if one of the tips is "If you take a trip to the Caribbean to rejuvenate your routine, don't fall in love with a guy and write a novel loosely based on your life that makes you remarkably famous and leads to a movie if it happens that the guy's gay".

Anyway. Inappropriate book jokes aside, I'm going to go Memento on you and do the weekend backward. Today was "Why I Need A Cellphone Even Though I'll Be Dead In The Cold, Cold Ground Before I Get One" Day, as I missed Tricia and Dan at the Brain Tumor 5K, which led to me starting late, then alternating walking and running to look for them. On the bright side, I saw the ubiquitous bagpiper (required at every 5K, 10K, and marathon), and a T-Shirt for a group called "Operation Mitch Must Die". The race was sort of interesting since I was focused on finding Trish and Dan, but it still made you stop every so often when you saw four or five people walking together, with nametags like "BLANK's Husband", "BLANK's Dad", "BLANK's Younger Brother", and "BLANK's Older Brother". After that came tooling around Friendship Heights (see Borders comments above) before heading to finally meet up with Tricia, Dan, and others for lunch at Benihana (interesting point - when your server isn't Japanese, and makes the comment that Kikkoman is Japanese Coca-Cola, which is the same joke that the guy at Sakura made (see previous discussions on Sakura here and here), it's not as funny - and shouldn't somebody be suing somebody over this? And that last remark is what happens when you've lived in Fairfax for over a year).

Yesterday was devoted to Flag Boy's housewarming party (official note: I have more than a year on him, and yet he had his housewarming party before me - speed isn't my best suit), and can be summed up with the following - Ikea, "come on, you stupid horse!", my plan to become a multimillionaire and buy a horse in the Kentucky Derby so I can snag a blonde in a sundress, the Reno Bar-B-Que fest (and the winner's from Martinsville - road trip!) Iron Chef America, kinda sorta Philly Cheesesteaks (American doesn't work!), why Carrie Bradshaw is insane and not attractive in any way, shape, or form, why certain tours in Mexico offer free beer, and the proliferation of the "80s Saturday Night" concept and the potential for counterprogramming (discussed on a dark road with very few cars that was the same place where the headless hitchhiker killed the five sexy teens twenty years ago last night.

Which leads us to the good stuff. Friday Night. It ended with Flag Boy, GoFB, and I going to the Pizzeria Uno near me, and being served by someone who described cheddar cheese as "yellow" and who giggled just a tad too much when pushing strawberry-banana frozen yogurt milkshake thingees (I, showing my total lack of imagination, ordered the same "Chicken with Cheese and Spicy Pasta that Chili's, Friday's, and Ruby Tuesday all have, despite the fact that it's only enjoyable at Ruby Tuesday), and saw the end of regulation of the Wizards/Cavaliers game where Gilbert Arenas hit a 40-footer to tie it before they lost in overtime. We all remarked that our luck had run out much earlier.

And we were right. But what a run it was.

Background. During a discussion here, someone mentioned a Phil Vassar CD release party at Rosecroft Raceway. Since Flag Boy plans to use "American Child" as his campaign theme song when he runs for governor in ten years (I plan to be the campaign manager that creates numerous scandals!) and I've debated putting the lyrics to "Carlene" in a personal ad under "What Type of Person Are You Looking For?" (see more below), the three of us decided to go. The price was $10, which seemed so low as to be sketchy.

Getting in was pretty simple - the line moved relatively quickly. I eventually passed inside, picked up our free greatest hits CD (yes, the $10 included a free copy), and paid $10 for a second copy, and went up to an open area at the top (we originally thought it was going to be inside). It was remarkably depressing walking through the raceway, which was open and had lots of depressed-looking people staring at simulcast video screens. This is the type of place where, if you went there to die, the regulars would probably watch for pointers.

The place we were in was the top floor, and overlooked the previous two floors, with a view of the raceway, and had an elementary school cafeteria vibe - this was very much not the CD release party in High Fidelity. So maybe the $10 was justified based on supply and demand. Even the food was reasonable - $4 for barbeque, and $3 for a hot dog and fries. There were about 120 people total.

But I'll back up for non-country fans. Phil Vassar got his start as a songwriter, writing a few top ten hits before starting out on his own with a few more successes. He's the Georgetown Hoyas lacrosse team of country music - he's been successful for many years, but he's never had a really popular song that's moved him into the top tier of country acts (Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith). But he's consistent.

The crowd was not exactly outlaw Southern rock and was remarkably light on EHWWBJWTaCHs - it was more of a minivan-driving Shania fan crowd whose idea of a wild night, to ape Dave Barry, was not telling the babysitter when they'd be home. Lots of kids. This made the inclusion of the two police officers a total hoot - people weren't going to riot unless Kitchen-Aid mixers were going on sale for $20.

Anyway. To our left, a remarkably stunning blonde started a conversation with GoFB (yes,
she's mentioned because she becomes important later). In front of me was a couple in their
mid to late 30s that were absolutely pawing each other - they were so affectionate that you sort of begin to wonder if they're remarkably insecure and just making out in public to justify a shell of a relationship (this led to GoFB making yet another comment that I was the most cynical and cold-hearted person that she had ever known).

The pre-show music was quite strange - it opened with Aerosmith and other early 80s rock, before finally switching over to country - notably the execrable "Somebody's Hero (so bad that Richard Marx likes it), which is all about moms being amazing and was OK the first seven hundred times it was played. I made the comment that they were finally playing to their key demographic.

Bad move, since Ms. Paw stopped running her hands through her boyfriend's hair (each one would eventually take each other into their arms and place their lover's head precariously close to their armpit - have I mentioned that there are some times I'm glad to be single?) to begin conversation, whereupon we found out that she's from New Jersey (really. go figure. not that there's anything wrong with that state, of course) and she attended this one Catholic church for years, after which I needed to walk over to the other end of the room to check out a loose ceiling tile. Her boyfriend/chew toy never talked. I cannot begin to explain how weird they were.

Eventually came the pre-show countdown, hosted by WMZQ's morning show team of Ben and Brian (one of whom looks like one of the sidekicks in the Drew Carey show, and the other of whom does funny voices - I know that they sound like every other morning show team, but they're different for reasons that I can't recall right now). Their first item involved bringing up a guy who had won a free tan on Friday morning based on his ability to belly-dance with a relatively significant belly (he becomes important, too).

But most of their schtick was based on voices. Particularly notable was bringing up a woman and having her close her eyes while Toby Keith was impersonated - there's nothing for the old self-esteem like finding out that no woman has responded to you like this woman responded to a fake Toby Keith that she knew was fake. Also notable was a slightly-modified "Those Were The Days" that showed how many kids had no idea what All In The Family was, a John Malkovich line about killing the president that just sucked all the air out of the room, and loud boos when Al Gore and Bill Clinton were impersonated (gotta love country music fans). Even more bizarre was a Dr. Phil impression with the question of whether or not anyone was having love problems that led to one guy two or three rows ahead of us yelling us that he was here with his best friend's wife and some really frightening questions that I'm really hoping were a joke (again, gotta love country music fans). Perhaps the best impression was of the lead singer of Rascal Flatts doing "These Days", which is a shade away from whining. Pitch perfect.

Then it was time for the main event. Phil Vassar and one tall bald guy came out - Phil sat next to the piano, while the bald guy picked up a guitar. That was it - acoustic. Very, very cool. Oh, and Phil looks like Kiefer Sutherland - I kept on waiting for him to yell "there's a bomb on the racetrack!" and then shoot the guy selling souvenir T-shirts.

Phil asked for requests (a guy beat me to yelling "Freebird!", and Phil heard him and played a few bars. Flag Boy, who had been incensed that "This Is God" wasn't on the CD, started yelling for it - I tried to help. After a few times, the hot blonde (forgot about her, didn't you) got sick of us and said we should yell it the same time on three - which we did, and Phil heard and said he'd play.

It goes without saying that she was married.

The easiest way to do the set list is to go down to the tracks of the CD, which I heavily recommend you purchase or steal or receive as a gift from your significant other as payback for allowing them to fool around with you in public.

Oh - Phil specifically told people to sing, so no one gave me dirty looks.

• Bye Bye - Originally done by Jo Dee Messina, famous as the only New Englander (Massachusetts) in country music, who always seemed sort of crazy and who would probably sing this while drizzling your Camaro with fuel oil. Phil's version is much less insane, although people sang along pretty lustily.
  
  
• In A Real Love: Eh, not my favorite.
  
  
• Carlene: As discussed, I've liked this song for a while, notably due to the reference to "horn-rimmed glasses", which, excepting "In A Different Light", is a theme that is sadly underrepresented in country music.
  
  You know the thing that always gets me? Carlene, who apparently got a Ph.D. and is now modeling for one of the top magazines in the fashion industry, still sounds really insecure and desperate.
  
  
• I'm Alright: This one was originally done by Jo Dee Messina, and her version is much different - the history between the two sounds like a failed relationship, and "just send a fax or send me letter, or give me a call; that'd even be better" sounds desperate. When Phil does it, it just sounds like two people meeting up. Really strange.
  
  And "I'm above the below and below the upper" is a great line.
  
  
• Last Day Of My Life: Hadn't heard this one before, and missed the first few lines, which were basically the "after she died, he killed himself" story line that immediately segues into a really romantic song (The Pawskis in front of me had fun here). I'd still feel weird about listening to this as a first dance song for a couple.
  
  It should be mentioned that there was another hot blonde in a sundress who was singing along to every song. Before I walked over to ask her if she believed in love at first sight, and, if not, to look again, I noticed another ring.
  
  It is now official. God is toying with me.
  
  
• My Next Thirty Years: Originally done by Tim McGraw, who gave it a more rocking sound. Nonetheless enjoyable to Flag Boy and myself, as I look to boldly go where he has gone a few months before.
  
  
• Little Red Rodeo: I honestly don't remember if he played this (see above comments on personal attachment to "My Next Thirty Years) - I don't think so. Originally done by another artist (Collin Raye).
  
  
• American Child: Flag Boy's favorite song, due to the "Nowhere, Virginia" line. Fun song. Phil was quite insistent that the audience do the "woe-oh-oh" line in the chorus, and stopped midway through until we were doing it to his liking.
  
  
• Twenty-One: I'm almost positive he didn't play this one - a new song. "My Next Thirty Years" covers the same material and is a better song.
  
  
• Just Another Day In Paradise: This was running through my head for most of the day on Friday morning. After hearing my brother discuss free time, this seems to me like it's probably a good description of being married and having kids. I love the "Domino's Pizza in the candlelight" line.
  
  
• For a Little While: Also done by Tim McGraw. He didn't play this one. Didn't do anything for me.
  
  
• The Woman In My Life: I took a bathroom break here, and noticed how many people were watching transfixed. This should be popular next week. Nice song, but I like "A Song for Mama" better (quick question if you follow the link - what type of format is "quiet storm"?
  
  
• Six-Pack Summer: First time I heard this one. Apparently, it was a contender for "summer song" last year, but got thumped. Maybe it'll get a second chance this year. So fun - just take your significant other in one arm and a frosty beverage in the other and sway slowly to the music.
  
  Even better was the tall bald guy taking a minute or two to segue into "Stay", complete with high-pitched voice.
  
  Did I mention that this entire experience was $10? The only better concert value I've experienced was Brooks and Dunn and Toby Keith for free (thanks, Cheese Boy!).
  
  
• That's When I Love You: He played it. It's nice. Not my favorite. I don't remember much else - I was watching the blonde's lips move as she was singing.
  
  
• I'll Take That As A Yes (The Hot Tub Song): A charter member of the So Cool Song Title Hall of Fame, this was the first time I'd heard it. Just cool and sexy and fun.
  

That wasn't it. He closed with "Piano Man" as everyone sang along, before shaking lots of hands (Flag Boy complained about him not playing "This Is God"). Great guy, and a great night.